Latvia's Training Log

Subject: Latvia's Training Log Tue Nov 23, 2010 9:21 am

Dear Diary,

So this my first entry. Even though I like to read and write, I’ve never kept one of these before, so I guess I should start now. So how does this go? Okay…well, it was my independence day last week, and Sealand came over. I can’t believe I’ve been free for almost twenty years now! It’s so great. I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, and the best part is- no more Russia! Gah…I really hope he doesn’t read this…A-anyway, life’s been pretty good. I have lots of time to read my novels and poetry. I haven’t been drinking much since I started hanging around with Sealand. I guess this is a good thing. I’ve been trying to put things in perspective lately, trying to figure out what I want to change about myself. I like being free; it’s wonderful- but it’s not all fun and games. I have to take responsibility for how I want my life to go from here. I’m so used to relying on someone; it’s not going to be easy to change that. Lately my brothers haven’t been around much, so I’m feeling more and more alone. At least I have Sealand…We’ve become pretty close friends lately. He doesn’t overlook me like most people do. He’s also one of the only other nations I know who’s younger than me. It’s nice to be the older one for a change! I’d like to think of him as a little brother, but the two of us are more like best friends. It’s so good to have someone I can rely on! Actually, he’s the one who gave me this diary. He has the exact some one! I know it’s kind of corny, but I like it. No one’s ever done something so nice for me except for Toris and Eesti. But they weren’t even around for my independence day…I wonder what they’ve been up to lately.

Anyway, I think I’ll end this here. Sealand and I have some plans in the morning, so I have to make sure I get to bed on time. Till next time~

-Raivis

Subject: Re: Latvia's Training Log Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:09 am

Dear Diary,

Great news! I finally have a new goal. I’ve decided I’m tired of being small and week. It’s time to do something about it! I’m the only one who can make this change…but I’ll need help. It started when Mr. America offered to train me. I was so happy! He’s such a strong nation. Even Russia was…concerned about him, and he’s never ~~afra~~…concerned about anything! Mr. America’s a really great person. Liet always said such good things about him, and you know what? They were true! Sure he can be a bit flakey…He doesn’t always act like he knows what he’s doing, and sometimes I wonder if his mind’s somewhere else…But! He’s a really nice guy, and he seems like he really wants to help me, so I trust him. I’ve been meeting him now and then for our training sessions since he promised to make me stronger. He usually has me run laps or something. I’m not so sure how effective this training is, but if Mr. America says to do it, then it must be good!

I’ve had other coaches train me since then…Mr. Super Awesome Supreme Supremacy Sir has been the one to come around the most. He’s a bit loud and scary, but he’s also a really good guy and a dedicated coach…I still think his title sounds kind of like one of the huge meal deals on America’s fast food restaurant menus, though. He’s a strict coach, but his methods are effective. When I started, I could barely do 10 push-ups. Now I can do over 50! There was one time he got really angry though. I don’t know what came over him! But suddenly, Mr. Super Supreme…uh, Awesome became really strict and started yelling orders at me and pushing me hard! It was so frightening…almost like being back under Russia again. Ah! I can’t hold the pen when I’m s-shaking this much…B-but anyway. That was only one time, and he hasn’t done that since, so…I think he’s a really good trainer, even if he’s strict. I haven’t seen him much lately, but hopefully, he’ll be around sometime soon.

The other coaches have only trained me once or twice. Sometimes I wonder if they get tired of me…but I appreciate the time they put in when they can! The first was Mr. Greece. His methods were very different from Mr. America’s and Mr. Supreme’s! First, he made me wear a dress. Or I think it was called a toga…chiton or something. Anyway, it was kind of awkward! I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to do drills in a dress, but it turned out, we weren’t going to be doing any exercising. Instead, he had me meditate. I think this is something good to keep in mind. My body isn’t the only thing that needs training. Maybe my mind can use a boost too. It’d be nice to be calm and brave once in a while. I feel like I’m always scared and shaking. I still don’t understand why he told me to walk all the way to Germany, though. I only walked for about half an hour before turning around and going home. I hope he doesn’t find out…I haven’t seen much of him since then.

The last person who trained me was Mr. Germany himself. I wasn’t sure what to expect from Mr. Supreme’s brother. He’s such a big, intimidating man, but it turned out he didn’t push me quite as hard! He only have me a couple of push-ups to do and then he and Mr. Rome had me get up on the balance beam…Hmm? Am I remembering this right? I was so dizzy from fear, being up that high, so I don’t really remember.

Anyway, I hope I can get stronger soon. I’ll keep trying my best until then!

-Raivis.

Subject: Re: Latvia's Training Log Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:15 am

Dear Diary,

It was horrible! Today, I met Mr. America after a long time of no training. I know I shouldn't have slacked off, but I was so happy when he said he still wanted to train me! I thought maybe he'd make a man of me yet...but it all ended horribly. I asked him to teach me how to lift weights, and then in my excitement, I threw a dumbbell right in his face! I was so mortified. After all the trouble he went through to help me, I had to go do something as clumsy as that! He ran away, clutching his face, and I'm pretty sure he was bleeding. I saw him just a little while ago, and he said he wasn't mad at me, but I still feel so awful. I hope he still doesn't mind training me...Mr. America's so kind and forgiving. I really hope he will. I swear I'll be more careful in the future. That's all for now.

-Raivis

Subject: Re: Latvia's Training Log Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:54 pm

Dear Diary,

This might be the worst day of my life since I left Russia’s house. I’m so miserable, I don’t know what to do. I hope writing about it will make some of the pain go away, but I really don’t know if anything can help me now. I feel alone. So…alone. I can’t even think straight right now or come up with anything better than that. I guess it’s best to start at the beginning, so here goes.

This afternoon, Belarus broke into my house. I don’t know how she got in. I usually keep the doors locked, and I couldn’t find any that had been broken, so I really can’t figure it out. Anyway, she came in when my guard was down and cornered me. It was hard to understand her -the language is so fuzzy in my memory- but I knew who she wanted, who she was looking for. It could only be one person, really. She’s always been obsessed with her brother, and she must have thought that I knew where he was. I didn’t, of course, and I told her so. Then she suggested we go find him together. As if I’d ever go looking for that monster! I…I hate Russia. I’m not afraid to write it here! I HATE him! I hate what he did to me! I hate what he did to my brothers! I hate hate hate him so much! I wish he’d just disappear! If he’s really gone, that can’t be a bad thing. I’ll be happy if I never see him again. Even thinking about him makes my head hurt, as if he’s pushing down on it again. I think of him whenever people tease me for being short. I think of him whenever people ask me why I tremble so much. Or why I can’t talk without stuttering when I’m scared. It’s his fault! All of it! Why did I have to deal with his psycho sister, of all people?!

I didn’t think there was anyone more terrifying in the world than Russia. But his sister is just as bad, maybe worse. She might not hide her true intentions behind a smile, but she loves the man that does. She loves him and all his sick twisted ways. She’s his sister! She must know what he’s like! Maybe better than anyone. And she loves that. Even if she wasn’t his sister (ew, ew, gross) it’s still disgusting. I don’t get how anyone could have such feelings for a person who treats others so badly. Ah…I should get back to the story.

Anyways, after I tried to tell her I had no clue where he was and refused to help her find him, she threatened me- said I didn’t used to behave this way and wondered if she needed to do something about that. To “fix” it. Does this mean I’ve really changed? That I’m not as fragile and submissive as I was back then? I really don’t know. I still feel as pathetic and weak as ever. I could barely stand up to her. I was still shaking and stuttering all over the place. Part of me even wanted to give into her, to just do whatever she told me so that she wouldn’t hurt me. But then I remembered I wasn’t a servant in her brother’s house anymore. I’m free! I’ve been free for nineteen years! I have no obligation to obey her. I tell myself that, but when she talks to me like she does, when she points that knife at me…it makes me feel like I’m still stuck in the same place. That nothing’s changed. I wish…I had another life sometimes. I wish I could be born as someone bigger, stronger. Someone who doesn’t take anything lying down, who knows how to stand up for himself. But I’m nothing like that person, and sometimes I’m worried I’ll never be. My training’s barely been worth anything. That’s what today’s proven. It doesn’t matter how many laps I can run or how many push-ups I can do. As long as my mind’s still stuck in the past, as long as those people still have control over me, I’ll never change.

Today I thought I was going to die. I saw that knife and imagined it ramming through me, cutting my skin, piercing my heart. It made me so sick with terror. There were times when I was living with Russia that I wanted to die. He’d put his hands on me, and I’d rattle so hard, I felt like my soul would be shaken out of me and float on to a happier place, a place that wasn’t here. I wanted to escape so bad, I didn’t care how I got out. But things are different now. I know I’ve complained about being alone, but I do have friends…had friends. I had a friend. Yes…and remembering him, I realized how scared I was of dying. I didn’t want to leave him behind! What would that do to him? He’s the only person who’s ever made me feel like I was good enough the way I am, that I don’t need to be that bigger, stronger person because who I am right now is just fine. I wonder if he still thinks so.

Belarus asked me if I wanted to come back, if I wanted to be part of their “family“ again. Of course I don’t! How could I ever be happy living with those demons?! I never was before, and there’s no way I could ever be! I do miss my brothers; they were the only ones who made my life there bearable but now…they have lives of their own. And obviously I must not be a very big part of them. It’s okay, really. I guess we never had that much in common. They couldn’t do anything to save me then either. But I wish they had been here today…I really do.

Just when I thought it was over for me, Mr. America showed up. Can you imagine how surprised I was to see him?! He NEVER visits me. I wasn’t even sure if we were friends. He’s nice to me, of course. He’s never says no when I ask him to train me, but I don’t ever remember having him over at my house. I must have at some point though because he obviously knew where I lived. And however Belarus got in was how he must have entered too because the next thing I knew, we were all standing in my living room, and Mr. America was trying to make her let me go. They fought for a while; I was so scared someone was going to get hurt. Mr. America even took his gun out! It was so frightening…Belarus finally left, but she said she’d be back. I was such a mess after that. Mr. America tried to make me feel better, but then he had to go. I felt so paranoid being in that house by myself that I went out and bought extra locks for the door. However they got in, it’s not going to work again! I still haven’t gotten over that panic…It wasn’t the worst my day got, but I’m feeling a little drained, so I’m going to wait until I feel a bit better before I try writing about the rest.

-Raivis

Subject: Re: Latvia's Training Log Sun Nov 28, 2010 3:23 pm

Dear Diary,

It’s been…a few days now. I don’t feel any readier to write this than I did when I finished the last entry, but if I don’t do it now, I don’t think I ever will. That day that Belarus broke into my house, something else happened. I’ll try to get myself to remember it all the best I can.

Since Belarus broke in, I’ve been hiding at home, trying to stay safe. Sealand called me on the phone right after I had finished installing the new locks and told me he wanted me to try some melon soda thing from Japan. I told him it wasn’t a good time for me to come there, so he invited himself over to see me instead. I would have said no, but he hung up so quickly and came over before I could stop him. He knew something was wrong with me almost right away…there was no way to hide my fear. She said she’d be back! What if she had come back that day, when America wasn’t around anymore? What if she had attacked while Sealand was there? I didn’t want Sealand to worry about me, though, so I made an excuse and told him there were burglar reports in the area. When he said he was going to go look for them, though, my lie fell apart and he figured out there was something else going on. I couldn’t let him go wandering out there knowing Belarus was still around! What if she kidnapped him and used him against me? Anyway, I still didn’t tell Sealand the truth. He got really mad at me…even yelled at me, but I just couldn’t do it. I know if I told him what happened to me, how I was afraid to go outside my own home now because I knew she was waiting for me, he would do something stupid. And I can’t let that happen. Not to my only real friend…

He got really angry when I told him it wasn’t his problem and that I didn’t want him to get hurt. I know Sea has a lot of pride; he tries so hard to be taken seriously as a nation, so I understand why keeping him in the dark about important stuff like this made him upset. But he’s so young, younger than me, and I never talk about half the stuff I’ve been through. I wonder if keeping so many secrets from him makes me a bad friend…but I know the truth would hurt him, and I’d never wish that on someone who’s been so kind and good to me.

Anyway…it didn’t end well. In the end, I decided it was too dangerous for him to stay around here…Around me. So I did something horrible, something I regret now even though it’s what I had to do- I told him to leave. I know it must have hurt him a lot, but I had no choice! It was the only way to keep him away from Belarus. I can’t believe I gave up such an important friendship, but I keep trying to tell myself I did the right thing. He’ll get over it and find someone better, and I…well, I’ll be here. Maybe when things get better and Belarus leaves me alone for good, I can try to fix it all. I don’t want Sealand to think I don’t trust him forever. Sometimes I seriously believe I’m not meant to be happy. I feel like I’ve been doing nothing but crying these past few days, alone in my house like the pathetic weakling I’ve been for decades. My independence was supposed to be the end of all these horrible things, but I’m still stuck here, hiding in my own house waiting for

(This entry ends here. The author was kidnapped shortly after.)

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